A sad Day: Independent Legend of Zelda film

Sometimes, I wish all my favorite video games were made into feature length movies. So far, the ones that have are just...not good. Tomb Raider, Resident Evil....I'm sure they are tons more, but I just don't feel like looking them up right now.

The game I have been waiting the longest to see adapted for the big screen is one of my all time favorite video games 'The Legend of Zelda.' Seriously, if done right, this would make a very good watch. They key phrase there being 'if done right.' Well ladies and gentleman, I've got some good news, and I've got some bad news. The good news is that there has been a feature length Zelda film made! The bad news? It sucks. 

BMB Finishes is an independent film company that decided it would be a great idea to take one of my favorite franchise's and shit all over it. I had been following this project online for quite some time, and the first trailer made me curious (but for some reason, there was looming doubt that this film would be worth watching). So today, I went back to the official site of the unofficial movie and much to my surprise (horror) they had a brand new trailer! After watching and cleaning up the pieces of my shattered hopes, I decided that Blame it on the Media needed to blame someone, and who am I blaming? All of you people who voluntarily wasted their time to produce a shitty movie that is a disgrace to every Zelda-lover out there. 

As you can see, it is...not all that promising. In fact, I think I would rather watch every Bernie Mac film back-to-back than even pretend I saw this.

Burn after Watching: Why? Just...why?

Well, you asked for it! No, actually you didn't, but I am going to tell you anyway. Although many people would argue with me till the cows come home (which they better, and soon) I thought it was an overall kind of lame film. Not gonna lie, by the end (After an onslaught of 'WTF's and 'BBQ's ) I came to the conclusion that I didn't like the film.

I did like PARTS of the movie. In fact, I like PARTS of most every movie and if it's Titanic, I like the naughty PARTS. I always enjoy watching good actors perform and this movie is full of good actors most notably Brad Pitt and George Clooney in my opinion. The movie was actually very interesting and I liked it very much up until a certain point and then from there it came spiraling downward and crashed into a nearby farmers cornfield killing his daughter and her boyfriend who were having a 'picnic' out there. Sorry Mr. Jenkins. My your heathen daughter and that Farmer brat from down the street rest in peace. 

Where were we? Oh yes, Burn After Reading. In short, it was good up until the last twenty minutes. In my opinion, how you end a story is almost as important as how you start one. But, I'm no bigot. See for yourself. It's one of those 'like it or hate it' kind of movies. 

The Good, The Bad, and The Reeves: Cowboy Bebop

Let it be known that I am a fan of Anime. It's unfortunate though, that anime does not have as many fans as it could due to its reputation from terrible shows like Pokemon, Dragonball Z, Naruto, and other completely westernized shows. All of these above listed shows were quality until America (and especially Cartoon Network) destroyed them by making them safe for kids to watch. Anime was never meant for American children. Anime was never meant to be dubbed into the english language. Anything done to an anime series (besides adding subtitles for those of us that don't speak Japanese) is taking away from the purity of the series and essentially destroying it.

All this to say that I came across some rather disturbing news durring my morning web-surfing. One of my favorite anime series, Cowboy Bebop, is being turned into a live action movie. Fox is doing the deed and I was actually quite intruiged until I learned who is going to be playing the main carachter of Spike. Keanu Reeves.

Let me say a little bit about Keanu Reeves. First of all, the only movie that he has ever done well in was The Matrix. Wanna know why he did good? Because he was playing the part of a clueless moron. Well, as it turns out, he is a clueless moron! He cannot act to save his life, and the fact that he has been given the chance to play one of my favorite anime heroes is depressing to say the least. I want to shoot whoever cast him in this movie.

The movie is still in it's primary developing stages and I'm praying that Reeves has a stroke or goes into a coma before filiming begins. That way, they will be forced to find a different actor. The only decision that Fox could make that could possibly be worse casting Reeves as Spike, would be to cast that god-awful Hayden Christiansen.

Dear Hollywood, cut it out: Bride Wars

That big boiling kettle labeled 'ideas' in the kitchen of everyones mind is starting to run dry. It seems all that's left are the hardened vegetables at the bottom of the unforgiving cast-iron bowl, and every once in a while, we get a fresh carrot, but most movies these days are rotten tomatoes. Which brings us to the topic of this post, Bride Wars. 

For those of you wondering, Bride Wars is the newest movie from Gary Winick (have you even heard of him? Me neither.) and features Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson. The premise is that two women who have been best friends (and possible lesbian lovers....no? Okay, just making sure) are planning to have their dream wedding at this fancy hotel in the month of June. Well, due to some crazy creativity from the movies writers, both girls are scheduled to have their wedding on the same day! Oh no! What will transpire now! Hilarity ensues when Hathaway and Hudson engage in an all out Bride War! Hahahaha! Funny!

I'll tell you what happens. The two women (who now hate each other with a burning rage after having learned that their weddings were scheduled for the same day)train rigorously in the martial arts, then join the military for some 'big gunz 101' and spend the entirety of the movie chasing each other all over the planet not resting until the other has been mutilated into an unrecognizable pulp. The corpse of the loser is displayed at the winner's wedding during the reception. Later, the guests each get to take home a piece of the losing bride.

Okay, so that's not exactly what happens, but I'm sure it's at least somewhat close to plot line. I'm sure that's what the writer had wanted the movie to be like originally, but due to censorship, he had to turn his once action packed gore movie into a romantic comedy. So instead, he had to settle for 'Comic Mischief' and 'Mild Language' as opposed to his dreams of 'Comic Mutilating' and 'Heavy Drug Use' and my favorite 'Mild Cock Envy'.

But in all seriousness, I don't have to go see this movie to know that I will be on the worst of 2009 list. It got terrible reviews and Roger Ebert said "[there were] no lines that were smart or witty."  Carrie Ricky wrote for the Philadelphia Inquirer, 

"How bad can a movie be, with Goldilocks Hudson and Cinderella Hathaway? So excruciating that Hudson's sunshine can't warm it and Hathaway's rose redolence can't mask its stink." 

You tell 'em Rickey. Sorry Anne, we know you're a beautiful girl with lots of talent, but you're starting to take the slippery slope that Steve Martin did when he decided to accept his fatherly role in 'Cheaper by the Dozen'. Hey speaking of Steve Martin, did anyone that there is a second Pink Panther doomed to come out? Did any of you remember that there was a first one?

Lady Gaga has me coocoo for coco puffs

I made a disturbing discovery on the waves of the internet this evening. I was informed that Lady Gaga's CD was "Out Now" and that I should immediately "Get My Copy Today". All of that to say, this didn't make me happy. I didn't even know who Chicky Boo Boo was until I saw that her ONE SEMI-CATCHY SONG (also called "single") was that drunken chick favorite "Just Dance."

We all know what happens now. People rush out to Best Buy....wait, that's not right. People rush to their computers and log onto itunes (or whatever method you choose to download) and slap it on the ol' hard drive. Then the hit single ('Just Dance' for those of you who are skimming) is played 127 times before anyone even thinks about listening to any other song on the CD. So one day, you play the CD from the begining and come to find that all the songs sound strangley like their hit single (which you now skip, after having heard it a total of 3,591 times) and skipping through till the last (ten, there are always ten on these fake albums) and you realize you paid ten dollars....I mean 9.99...for basically the same song. Now you're wishing you would have actually bought the CD because then you could go to places like Disc Replay and get three bucks for it.

*deep breath*

That felt like one sentence to me and I am quite winded from writing it (especially with all of the things in paratheses) so I'll stop now.

Please comment if you're still with me. It's the equivalent of a hug to me.

Walt Disney rose from the grave, then died again

Um, there is not much to say about this. All I know is that this a movie that's coming out this march, and if this snow ever melts, maybe I'll crawl out from hibernation and grab a bunny and eat it, or some other unfortunate creature of the morning, but I WONT go see this movie.

They're really draggin ol' mister Disney's name through the gutter.

Thank God they're graduating: High School Musical 3

First there was High School Musical. A movie put out by Disney that had everyone talking (and by everyone I mean all people under the age of twelve). But that clearly wasn't enough. They needed to make a second one, and if THAT STILL wasn't enough, the wonderful people over at Disney decided to bring you a third installment of the much acclaimed "High School Musical" series.

Um, there is not much that needs to be said here I don't think. Obviously SOMEONE likes those movies enough to make Disney delusional enough to produce a third one. You know what I think? I think it was a group of thirteen year old girls who went and saw the first two movies a hundred times each, causing Disney to believe it was a box office smash hit. Thank you Disney. We really appreciate what you're doing for mankind.

The Movie opened in theaters on October 24th and in just the first three days it grossed about 42 MILLION DOLLARS!!! That means its like the highest grossing movie musical (as far as opening weekend goes...) Holy hell! Those girls are at it again!!!! Damn you Disney! Damn you!

A New Standard of Low

Okay, just when I was beginning to rejoice that I would never see another new episode of "The Bernie Mac Show," I see a commercial on TV for this new Movie. It's called Soul Men, and features the deceased Bernie Mac, and fellow African American actor, Samuel L. Jackson. Now before you get all excited and pre-order tickets for this winter's biggest flop, you might want to at least go in with some knowledge of what to expect. IMDB.com gives us a plot summary.

"Though it's been some twenty years since they have spoken with one another, two estranged soul-singing legends agree to participate in a reunion performance at the Apollo Theater to honor their recently deceased band leader."

Wow. Sounds like I'll be on the edge of my seat the whole time. I can't wait to see what kind of hilarity ensues when these two try to bring the band back together. Speaking of which, I should probably go tune up the ol' tambourine.

The disaster is set to hit theaters November 7th. Click here for all the details.