Star Wars, the official condensed summary.

थिस इस अ विडियो ऑफ़ अ गर्ल व्हो As I was saying, there was this girl who was asked by her (Boyfriend? Father? Brother? Mailman?) to give a summary of the three original Star Wars films from the 'bits and pieces she had seen from the same room that the movies were playing. She did a terrible job, of course, but managed to provide the foundation for a very entertaining video




Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.

Dear Hollywood, cut it out: Bride Wars

That big boiling kettle labeled 'ideas' in the kitchen of everyones mind is starting to run dry. It seems all that's left are the hardened vegetables at the bottom of the unforgiving cast-iron bowl, and every once in a while, we get a fresh carrot, but most movies these days are rotten tomatoes. Which brings us to the topic of this post, Bride Wars. 

For those of you wondering, Bride Wars is the newest movie from Gary Winick (have you even heard of him? Me neither.) and features Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson. The premise is that two women who have been best friends (and possible lesbian lovers....no? Okay, just making sure) are planning to have their dream wedding at this fancy hotel in the month of June. Well, due to some crazy creativity from the movies writers, both girls are scheduled to have their wedding on the same day! Oh no! What will transpire now! Hilarity ensues when Hathaway and Hudson engage in an all out Bride War! Hahahaha! Funny!

I'll tell you what happens. The two women (who now hate each other with a burning rage after having learned that their weddings were scheduled for the same day)train rigorously in the martial arts, then join the military for some 'big gunz 101' and spend the entirety of the movie chasing each other all over the planet not resting until the other has been mutilated into an unrecognizable pulp. The corpse of the loser is displayed at the winner's wedding during the reception. Later, the guests each get to take home a piece of the losing bride.

Okay, so that's not exactly what happens, but I'm sure it's at least somewhat close to plot line. I'm sure that's what the writer had wanted the movie to be like originally, but due to censorship, he had to turn his once action packed gore movie into a romantic comedy. So instead, he had to settle for 'Comic Mischief' and 'Mild Language' as opposed to his dreams of 'Comic Mutilating' and 'Heavy Drug Use' and my favorite 'Mild Cock Envy'.

But in all seriousness, I don't have to go see this movie to know that I will be on the worst of 2009 list. It got terrible reviews and Roger Ebert said "[there were] no lines that were smart or witty."  Carrie Ricky wrote for the Philadelphia Inquirer, 

"How bad can a movie be, with Goldilocks Hudson and Cinderella Hathaway? So excruciating that Hudson's sunshine can't warm it and Hathaway's rose redolence can't mask its stink." 

You tell 'em Rickey. Sorry Anne, we know you're a beautiful girl with lots of talent, but you're starting to take the slippery slope that Steve Martin did when he decided to accept his fatherly role in 'Cheaper by the Dozen'. Hey speaking of Steve Martin, did anyone that there is a second Pink Panther doomed to come out? Did any of you remember that there was a first one?

Lady Gaga has me coocoo for coco puffs

I made a disturbing discovery on the waves of the internet this evening. I was informed that Lady Gaga's CD was "Out Now" and that I should immediately "Get My Copy Today". All of that to say, this didn't make me happy. I didn't even know who Chicky Boo Boo was until I saw that her ONE SEMI-CATCHY SONG (also called "single") was that drunken chick favorite "Just Dance."

We all know what happens now. People rush out to Best Buy....wait, that's not right. People rush to their computers and log onto itunes (or whatever method you choose to download) and slap it on the ol' hard drive. Then the hit single ('Just Dance' for those of you who are skimming) is played 127 times before anyone even thinks about listening to any other song on the CD. So one day, you play the CD from the begining and come to find that all the songs sound strangley like their hit single (which you now skip, after having heard it a total of 3,591 times) and skipping through till the last (ten, there are always ten on these fake albums) and you realize you paid ten dollars....I mean 9.99...for basically the same song. Now you're wishing you would have actually bought the CD because then you could go to places like Disc Replay and get three bucks for it.

*deep breath*

That felt like one sentence to me and I am quite winded from writing it (especially with all of the things in paratheses) so I'll stop now.

Please comment if you're still with me. It's the equivalent of a hug to me.