Jan 13, 2009

Dear Hollywood, cut it out: Bride Wars

That big boiling kettle labeled 'ideas' in the kitchen of everyones mind is starting to run dry. It seems all that's left are the hardened vegetables at the bottom of the unforgiving cast-iron bowl, and every once in a while, we get a fresh carrot, but most movies these days are rotten tomatoes. Which brings us to the topic of this post, Bride Wars. 

For those of you wondering, Bride Wars is the newest movie from Gary Winick (have you even heard of him? Me neither.) and features Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson. The premise is that two women who have been best friends (and possible lesbian lovers....no? Okay, just making sure) are planning to have their dream wedding at this fancy hotel in the month of June. Well, due to some crazy creativity from the movies writers, both girls are scheduled to have their wedding on the same day! Oh no! What will transpire now! Hilarity ensues when Hathaway and Hudson engage in an all out Bride War! Hahahaha! Funny!

I'll tell you what happens. The two women (who now hate each other with a burning rage after having learned that their weddings were scheduled for the same day)train rigorously in the martial arts, then join the military for some 'big gunz 101' and spend the entirety of the movie chasing each other all over the planet not resting until the other has been mutilated into an unrecognizable pulp. The corpse of the loser is displayed at the winner's wedding during the reception. Later, the guests each get to take home a piece of the losing bride.

Okay, so that's not exactly what happens, but I'm sure it's at least somewhat close to plot line. I'm sure that's what the writer had wanted the movie to be like originally, but due to censorship, he had to turn his once action packed gore movie into a romantic comedy. So instead, he had to settle for 'Comic Mischief' and 'Mild Language' as opposed to his dreams of 'Comic Mutilating' and 'Heavy Drug Use' and my favorite 'Mild Cock Envy'.

But in all seriousness, I don't have to go see this movie to know that I will be on the worst of 2009 list. It got terrible reviews and Roger Ebert said "[there were] no lines that were smart or witty."  Carrie Ricky wrote for the Philadelphia Inquirer, 
"How bad can a movie be, with Goldilocks Hudson and Cinderella Hathaway? So excruciating that Hudson's sunshine can't warm it and Hathaway's rose redolence can't mask its stink." 
You tell 'em Rickey. Sorry Anne, we know you're a beautiful girl with lots of talent, but you're starting to take the slippery slope that Steve Martin did when he decided to accept his fatherly role in 'Cheaper by the Dozen'. Hey speaking of Steve Martin, did anyone that there is a second Pink Panther doomed to come out? Did any of you remember that there was a first one?

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